The Pika Project

So Close, Yet So Far…

thepikaproject — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 22:19:07 +0000

So many people of different ages, so many fears and emotions – all caught up and tangled together. So what happens now?

I don’t know.

What are we going to do?

I don’t know.

One thing’s for certain, though – time’s running out. Tonight was the first time I heard that She’d been telling “everyone” that we’re getting engaged in September. That made my heart skip a beat (or two) – it also made a little puppy sit up in bed and wag her tail before going back to sleep. I asked Her why She did that and She said: “Emotional blackmail”. Forgot to ask Her who was the one being blackmailed, though.

But then She said that She can’t commit to the M-word. That She’s too messed up to be able to deal with that now (Ironically enough, Her Zee Rocks (mispelling intentional) told me through his inebriation: “I feel sorry for you. You know why? Because September’s going to come and go and nothing will happen”). If She can’t….then She can’t. I guess…there’s nothing anyone can do about that. But then I…I can’t…I can’t…after the tears (and years) of being…being…

…

We’ll think of something. We always have, so far. There has to be…a…way….hasn’t there?

September

thepikaproject — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 16:27:44 +0000

I am looking forward to September so much that it’s not even remotely funny anymore. To be sure, there’s a lot of yearning and an equal amount of fear – but the real killer is the suspense and tension that’s been building up these past 15 months. The irony of it all is that September’s as much of a dilemma for her as it is for me. There’s so much that we want AND don’t want that hinges on that month.

In spite of all the angst and trepidation, there are rays of light that – however faint – still ensure that Hope springs eternal like a puppy on a bouncy bed. She said that she would not go out with herself; that she would lose interest in the 23 y.o. eventually. The greatest comfort and the biggest hope comes from the fact that she has repeatedly rejected offers to forget about September altogether. With each rejection, the yawning pit of dejection recedes a little bit more.

Whatever her decision, whatever her answer…September is going to be It. @_@

Hm.

thepikaproject — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 17:24:24 +0000

Hm.

About a week ago, I was going to type: “Since you don’t need me any more, do you still want me (around)?”

But then she pre-empted it a few days ago by saying: “I always need you!” *puppy dog eyes*
…Which made me go ^_^ inside but also means I have to post something else here instead.

Hm.

She said she doesn’t want to get into something to which she cannot commit herself 100% – and that it would be unfair to me if she did so. In spite of myself, I do think that that’s really sweet. =) Ironically enough, I said “no” and held back last time because I didn’t want her to get into something that she wasn’t serious about either.

Role reversal? Me proud of her – and slightly embarrassed at myself. =P

“Have to” vs “Want to”

thepikaproject — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 17:56:23 +0000

This is going back a bit, but a some time ago, she said in a moment of annoyance: “Do I have to tell you every single thing I do?”

No, of course not, Milady. But therein lies the heartache – You have never, ever “had” to tell me anything…but there was a time when you WANTED to. There was a tiime when you found it important and enjoyable to fill me in on all things whether great or small. So when you stopped, it was like a slap to the face. But I couldn’t say anything because you felt your freedom to choose was being denied.

Now, if I hear anything at all, its from her xerox. And he tells me about what they’ve been up to every time my calls ring out and I think she’s in bed or when my messages go unanswered and I worry about her well being. And it doesn’t help to hear him talk about all the plans he’s made that she’s agreed to; or to hear him say “Oh, she always answers my calls. Or if she doesn’t, she always misscalls me or sends me a blank sms the next day. And when she said “I’ll let you know once I get there” just before driving up north, its her xerox who calls that she’d spoken to him to say shed arrived safely…40 minutes ago.

Milady…if you’re now in the PPE (Post Pika Era) or have decided that you don’t want me to be as involved in your life as I used to…tell me. I’ll…respect your choice of course – regardless of how I feel about it. But what I don’t get is why you’ve said all this while that I don’t have any reason to feel sad or insecure. And that’s why I doubt myself and lose self confidence a little more each day.

Still…to look on the bright side…she once said to me: “I don’t kno whow I can survive without you” but she seems to be doing fine so far. Bittersweet or not, it’s a good to know that the appletree has grown so sturdy and strong. It may sound utterly ridiculous and totally nonsensical, but…I feel proud of her for that. I really do.

Ach, maybe I’m just going insane again.

…

thepikaproject — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 19:45:41 +0000

Each day is a struggle. MDS is one thing, but what is really hard is fighting down the jealousy and insecurity that wells up and washes over me on a daily basis. On good days, I can ignore or get over it. On bad days, it feels as though I’m slowly phasing out of her life, or becoming irrelevant. On REALLY bad days, it feels like I’ve been replaced.

She laughed in surprise when she found out that I felt threatened. I suppose that’s kinda reassuring in itself…But it’s not just about not being there. It’s also not being able to get through to her, of not being able to get a response to a greeting or a question. It doesn’t help to hear about how she readily responds to his calls or messages or even takes the initiative to call instead. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to hurt or provoke – he’s just letting me know – but…it sure feels like I’m being ignored.

I try to BE relevant only to find myself being pushed away. True, if she’d wanted to do anything, she’d have done it by now. I suppose what I fear is a repeat of what happened the last time, where the closeness between the two of them was gradual and unnoticed until we all woke up one find day and realised…

I don’t like feeling this way. Some things can’t be hidden from her and I don’t want to add to the stress that her work and life choices are piling on her. And jealousy…just results in baseless hostility/enmity. What right do I have to dislike someone who hasn’t consciously done anything to hurt me?

Still, I AM happy that she’s pulling herself together. That’s she’s moving forward and being true to her goals and to herself. I know it’s a daily struggle for her as well, and that he’s been a great support to her. And, paradoxically enough, I am happy about that too. I suppose that’s God answering the part of my prayer that asks for things to work out for her no matter what the cost to me. I don’t know…I suppose I’ll have to cling on to that thought: Appl3tr33 is bearing fruits. =_)

Heads or Tails?

thepikaproject — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 16:17:34 +0000

She has, on occasion*, pulled me over and said something along the lines of: “This is the guy that my family wants me to get married to”.

When she does that, I sometimes don’t know if she’s looking for support or if she’s showing me off. Because there’s always a bit of resentment and a bit of pride in her voice when she says that…

Hmm. Maybe it’s both. I think.

* Usually after drinking a bit**
** A fair bit

Ouroboros

thepikaproject — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 19:00:31 +0000

The petition has been accepted. The circle draws to a close.
…
A moment of doubt: Will it be a case of “Too little and too late”? Is it-
But hush. What is, is what must be. At its very worst, the result would be the same as staying away.

Remember her laughter. Remember her delight over the phone…and smile.
…
=)

Hope

thepikaproject — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 15:05:56 +0000

Hope is the pup with brown fur
That snoozes in my bed,
And dreams of love–without the words,
And never stops at all, And sweetest in despair is felt;
And hard must be the heart
That could abash the little pup
That kept my soul so warm.
I’ve held her on the chillest night, And on the longest day;
Yet, never, in extremity,
She asked kibbles of me.

Alea Jacta Est

thepikaproject — Wed, 28 May 2008 13:31:07 +0000

“Don’t do it for the wrong reasons”.
“Do it for yourself, not for anyone else”.

Things are seldom so simple, Luv. I grasp at straws, trying to save myself…but even if this gambit succeeds, all may still be vanity. This is…an attempt at a temporary solution; a desperate endeavor to buy precious time for something more permanent to be devised.

Will it succeed, I wonder? There’s nothing left…

Words of Assurance

thepikaproject — Wed, 28 May 2008 13:30:24 +0000

“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

And for a little while, I felt…safe from the pain and hurt.